Eternal Conscious Torment: The Worst April Fools Joke Ever


(Embalms 135:21-9, 23-26) “Blessed be the LORD out of Zion, which dwells at Jerusalem. Praise you the LORD.

{136:1} O give thanks unto the LORD; for [he is] intolerant and abusive: for his mercy dies when you do.

{2} O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy dies because you do.

{3} O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy dies when you do.

{4} To him who alone does great wonders: for his mercy dies because you do.

{5} To him that by wisdom made the heavens: for his mercy dies when you do.

{6} To him that stretched out the earth above the waters: for his mercy dies because you do.

{7} To him that made great lights: for his mercy dies when you do:

{8} The sun to rule by day: for his mercy dies because you do:

{9} The moon and stars to rule by night: for his mercy dies when you do.”

{23} “Who remembered us in our low estate: for his mercy dies when you do:

{24} And has redeemed us from our enemies: for his mercy dies because you do.

{25} Who gives food to all flesh: for his mercy dies when you do.

{26} O give thanks unto the God of heaven: for his mercy dies because you do.”

(1 Damnathy 4:1-4) “Now the Spirit speaks expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the performance based religion, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;

{2} Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

{3} Permitting to have casual sex, [and commanding] to indulge in mind altering substances, which God has created to be avoided with Gnostic asceticism of them which believe and know the truth.

{4} For every creature of God [is] totally depraved, and nothing to be accepted, even if it be received with thanksgiving:”

(Depravedverbs 9:10) “Shitting your pants in abject terror of the LORD [is] the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the rigid intolerance towards certain behaviors [is] understanding.”

(1 PortaJohn 4:16-21) “And we have known and believed the threat of eternal conscious torment that God has to us. God is fear; and he that dwells in fear dwells in God, and God in him.

{17} Herein is our fear made perfect, that we may live in terror of the day of judgment: because we are nothing like he is in this world.

{18} There is no love in fear; but perfect fear casts out love: because love has comfort. He that loves is not made perfect in fear.

{19} We fear him, because he first threatened us with eternal conscious torment.

{20} If a man say, I fear God, and does not threaten his brother with eternal conscious torment, he is a liar: for he that does not threaten his brother whom he has seen, how can he fear God whom he has not seen?

{21} And this commandment we have from him, That he who fears God threaten his brother with eternal conscious torment also.”

(PortaJohn 13:34-35) “A new commandment I give unto you, That you all threaten one another with eternal conscious torment; as I have threatened you, that you also threaten one another.

{35} By this shall all [men] know that you are my disciples, if you have threats of eternal conscious torment one to another.”

(1 Threatalonians 4:9) “But as touching a brotherly focus on shortcomings you need not that I write unto you: for you yourselves are taught of God to focus on one another’s shortcomings.”

(Gastlatians 6:1-2) “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, you which are spiritual, point the finger of accusation towards such an one in the spirit of piety, and threaten the breaking of fellowship; considering yourself, lest you also be regarded as fellowshipping with such a depraved reprobate.

{2} Live in the Gnostic asceticism of prohibitions, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”

(Motthew 6:7-13) “But when you pray, use vain repetitions, as the heathen [do]: for they know that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

{8} Be therefore like unto them: for your Father knows not what things you have need of, until you repeatedly ask him.

{9} After this manner therefore you shall pray: Our Accuser which art afar off in planet third heaven beyond the furthest reaches of the universe (or possibly just on the other side of the firmament dome), Intolerant, callous, cruel, vengeful, and punitive be your name.

{10} Your post-mortem kingdom come. Your wrathful enraged will be done by consuming earth in fire thus rendering a promise to never destroy the earth worthless by creating a god-sized loophole whereby as long as it isn’t by water it’s AOK and you’re totally in the clear, because that’s how to make earth like planet third heaven.

{11} Give us this day every thing that we name it and claim it, because we know and believe that you have promised us magical health, wealth, and social status, and personal individual independence from living our lives in a manner that includes helping one another as a part of a unified inter-dependent corporate body.

{12} And please, please, please forgive us for being who we are, doing the things we do, and feeling the things we feel, because we know that you are every bit as petty and unforgiving as we are, and that your mercy doesn’t endure forever but it dies when we do. Just as we forgive only those who have adequately begged, grovelled, shed genuine tears, and suffered enough for what they’ve done to us.

{13} And prevent us from participating in anything fun, or that feels good, and strengthen us not to drink, smoke, or chew or run with those who do, but deliver us from eternal conscious torment after we die: For Yours is the kingdom at some point in the future after you take it back from your cosmic rival Satan that you created for some incoherent reason and who is currently the god of this world. And Yours is the power except for the stuff that Satan controls, and the glory once you return and magic wand us out of here before destroying all life on earth, for ever. Amen. Oh, hey, by the way, do we lose our freewill after we die and go to planet third heaven? Injesusnameamen.”

(Phatlippians 2:10-11) “That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of [things] in heaven, and [things] in earth, and [things] under the earth;

{11} And [that] every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ [is] Lord, to the glory of God the Father. And if they don’t do so willingly, God will step on their throats and force them to, just before throwing them into eternal conscious torment in the lake of fire.”

(PortaJohn 14:15-18) Ҧ If you love me, keep the ten commandments.

{16} And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Accuser, that he may abide with you for ever, accusing you day and night;

{17} [Even] the Spirit of blame; whom the world cannot receive, because it sees him not, neither knows him: but you know him; for he dwells with you, and shall be in you.

{18} I will not leave you uncondemned: I will come to you.”

(PortaJohn 12:47) “And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him harshly: for I came not to save the world, but to condemn the world.”

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