The Ultimate History of Australia

In 1492, Atilla sailed the Ocean Blue

Most Americans know almost nothing about Australia. I blame the American Public school system for that… And bad parents.


Australia has a long and storied history, that began when the Mongol Hordes pushed their way through Europe; raping, pillaging, and terrorizing. The invaders needed a way to get rid of all the undesirables – meaning Europeans – so they decided to ship them to the most inhospitable land imaginable.

You just try to endure the scorching sun, bizarre wildlife, and the incessant bleating of “G’day!” See how long it takes before you scream in terror. Surely, Australia is Hell on Earth.

Since they are sissies, most of the Europeans died. Many surrendered immediately and unconditionally to their shadows.


Those who did survive evolved floppy ears, elongated snouts, and a detachable tail that can regenerate. The floppy ears were helpful in channeling smells to their ultra sensitive snouts, which aided in detecting predators and edible food sources.

The gargantuan snout, or schnoz, to use the scientifible terminonigoly, has millions of times more receptors than the nose of the average human. The tail was useful in evading hungry crocodiles. The croc would get the tail, while the Australian would make a getaway, otherwise unscathed.

Tail loss does, however, result in a period of disorientation, as the tail is also used to keep balance. This is an essential feature, as Australia is on the “upside-down” side of the Earth.


Australians spend over two-thirds of their lives hanging upside down, in order to be right-side up relative to the surface of the Earth. Scienticians are not certain what keeps Australians from falling off the Earth, but there are a few plausible hypotheses.

Renowned German scientologian, David VonHasselhoff, has devoted his entire career to whatkeepsaustraliansfromfallingofftheearthology, which is Latin for, “the study of what keeps Australians from falling off the Earth.” The scientifible community likes to use Latin words for some reason. I’m not sure why, because Latinovia is in Europe, and nothing good ever came from there.

Dr. VonHasselhoff believes that Australians are able to remain earthbound by tying their tails around trees. This is possible because in Australia, the trees grow upside down.


Unlike the rest of the world, which is dominated by mammals, Australia is the land of the marsupial. Aside from having a gibberish sort of name (as everything in Australia does), Marsupials carry their young in pouches.

In 1948 a law was passed, forbidding Australian women from keeping spare change in their pouches, as it was resulting in an epidemic of head trauma and brain damage in Australian offspring.


  • Australia is the only country that occupies it’s own continent. With the exception of Wal-Mart, which spans across five continents.
  • The Kangaroo Cavalry is among the most feared of all military forces in New South Wales.
  • Australia was discovered by pirates, who were looking for a new route to China.
  • The Tasmanian Devil is not at all related to Lucifer, but all other Australians are direct descendants.

That’s really all there is to note about the “Land down under.”

Considering my vast wealth of knowledge, I’m sure you would be shocked to learn that I am a product of the American public school system.


I originally wrote this in November of 2007 for a humor blogging website.

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